“I’m here for you”…defined…
If your intentions are good and you’re being truthful when you say the above words to someone, understand this – it’s basically meaningless.
Be specific.
People that truly need help, don’t understand that statement. Your heart is in the right place, but - it’s not helpful. It’s words. Remember when you read about how actions never lie?
Real help requires an action.
Unless someone specifically says that they need a sounding board, you can take the above statement to the bank. Real help requires an action. If you want to get technical, sitting there for hours on end listening to someone is also an action. I’m sure you understand what I mean though.
Offer up some suggestions.
“I know you’re going through a rough time, can I do _________ [fill in the blank with whatever you've heard them be worried about that you can fulfill] _____ for you?”
Or better yet, just do it.
No one is saying you have to do a thing, but if you’re going to offer – if the words are going to come out of your mouth, let them mean something.
Otherwise, say nothing.
Saying nothing is far better than disappointing someone.
Worse, disappointing someone that didn’t even ask for your help.
No expectations are better than failed expectations.
If you know your neighbor is going through a hard time – go cut their grass. It doesn’t require a conversation. It doesn’t require horrifying them by pointing out how over-whelmed they are.
Everyone needs help at some point. It should not result in a loss of pride among friends. Don’t do that.
You would be shocked at how even something you deem a small gesture, will stand out in the receiver’s head. That’s real. That’s friendship. That’s tangible.
That’s not taking the easy way out by just saying, “I’m here for you” – when you know full well that you’re probably not going to be called on that statement.
Make your words count.
Back them with your actions.
“I was at the store getting coffee and saw some I thought you might like. Didn’t want to drop by unannounced, so left it at your side door. Hope you like it, let me know if it’s any good.”
…See? It’s not complicated.
The truth is, most people don’t know how to ask for help. Most people don’t want to bother anyone else with their problems; let alone even tell anyone they’re having any problems in the first place. So, if they do share that – don’t make it harder for them by tossing out an, “I’m here for you” statement.
What on earth does that even mean?
No, if you were really “there” for that person, you’d be doing something instead of just saying it.
Here’s a perfect example:
A dear friend of mine knows that I shouldn’t shovel snow because of the disks in my back. It was Winter 2008 and we just got done having a small blizzard. I was on the phone with my friend and in passing mentioned ONCE that I didn’t know how the drive way was going to get done. I assumed I’d have to figure it out.
This wasn’t even a new topic between us. We live in NY. I’m always complaining about the cold and the snow. I did just get over a ruptured disk the month before though and was petrified about injuring my back again.
Twenty minutes later, while I was still on the phone with him, I heard a vehicle. I looked out my living room window to see him sitting in his truck. Then he said into the phone, “You don’t even need to see me, I just need to know if your shovel is in the garage or the shed.”
This is a guy who was on his way home from working a 10 hour shift, but wanted to help. He didn’t ask. He knew it had to be done. He knew I wouldn’t have asked him to do it. He knew if he offered, I’d take into consideration that he just got done working long hours and was probably tired – and I would have said no for that reason alone.
This is why you can’t ask sometimes. Especially if it’s a woman that you want to help. Women tend to take into consideration all the other factors surrounding you verses what needs to be done. We generally don’t want to create more work for people we like/love. That’s our nature. We will say no most of the time. Not because we don’t need the help, but because we don’t want to bother you.
It’s been two and a half years since that happened and I was so touched by it that I can tell you that it was February 8th. I’ll never forget it and he’ll always get credit for it.
He’s probably shoveled a drive way 300 times in his lifetime. I guarantee you that he wasn’t all that moved about giving up a half hour. He was content with his coffee afterward [which he didn't even expect]. He probably hasn’t even given it a second thought since, but to me, he demonstrated that he really is here for me. Welcome to Knight in Shining Armor status.
That’s real.
That’s tangible.
That’s an action.
That’s help.
Another example:
My cousin Richard happened to call me while a fight was in pursuit with my garbage disposal. It was clogged and I was annoyed and I don’t know jack about fixing a garbage disposal. Within 10 minutes, Richard was at my door with his tools. Fifteen minutes later, I had a garbage disposal that was complying.
I was kindly read the riot act about how men like doing these things for women [what a wonderful thing about men] and in return they just want a thank you and maybe a cup of coffee. Both of which were readily supplied in abundance. Again, something I will never forgot. Again, something he probably hasn’t thought twice about after he walked out of my house that day.
We both know that I’m not likely to call him over anything and he’ll have to catch me in a crisis of some sort to be able to offer help. He knows it. I know it. We both also know that his word is good. I love him for that and I know that I can count on him.
Actions.
It’s also perfectly acceptable to say something like, “I’m not in a position to help with anything physically/financially/tangible, but I’m good for a laugh or if you want to yell or if you want to watch a movie on TV together.” – that’s fine!
All I’m saying is – be specific.
No one gets credit for statements that don’t carry any weight.
Might as well not say anything.
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